Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
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“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
[coming through customs]
Okay Sir 1 last thing before we’re done. Is there anything you’d like to declare?
*slams passport*
“I’ve had sex.”
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
just learned that cows have best friends. when they are together they experience less stress which means even cows have more friends than you
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Next time my 5 y/o says “Daddy, guess what?”, I’m going to refuse to let her continue until I can actually guess, even if it takes 7 years.
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
“I hope they bought enough beer so they won’t notice how much I’m drinking”
-My prayer as I pull into my parents driveway
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
Who named it an army ant and not a combatant?
Sorry I commented on that video of your kid taking his first steps with “aw look you taught it how to walk on its hind legs!”
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive all of my childhood.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.