Don’t think I won’t spin around and French kiss you if you’re standing too close to me in line at the liquor store.
You Might Also Like
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
oh so you rich guys throw the water out after you boil hotdogs. too good for hotdog soup. too good to dab the soup on your wrists like colog
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Me: *panicking*
Friend: just go with your gut
Me: *panicking while eating nachos*
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
If my wife calls me passive-aggressive one more time I swear to God I’m going to run the dishwasher half-empty again
Me: i’m just here for shits and giggles
Taco Bell employee: *passes me my order* i can’t promise you the giggles
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
hacker: got them. all the social security numbers
boss: good work
[later getting back from the bank]
boss: ok apparently we need names too
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.