dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
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[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Kids at bedtime are like a nine page food blog for a simple ramen noodle recipe
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
If you’re only18, please don’t tweet philosophy and proverb verbiage based on your first love and the difficulty of your inexperienced life.
Free on bail. Time to pay some meddling kids a visit.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Me: Are you mad at me?
Wife: Eventually.
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
“those tattoos will make it harder to get a job” ok well so will my personality.
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
So touched by the kindness of my teenage son. Another lighter at the bottom of the washing machine that has been looked after for a friend.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*