dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume
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If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
If I were the dinosaurs I would simply use my enormous tail to bonk the asteroid back into space
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Been escorted out of the building of Global IT for unplugging something so I could plug in my George Foreman grill
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Me: Was it good for you?
Her: You’re cleaning up this confetti
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
(First date)
Her: I like men who take charge.
Me: *trying to impress her* *shoves finger into electric socket*
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
It feels like Duolingo is giving me writing prompts for a very specific story
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
I feel like dry shampoo is the equivalent of unicorn blood for hair—it will keep it alive, but it will be a half-life, a cursed life…
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Normalize arguing with plants who refuse to stay alive.