Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
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as a job-stealing immigrant, I now have 36 jobs and counting. I keep them in my basement like some kind of job dragon. what u gonna do?
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My teen is in an outdoor class where they take the kids fishing and the catch of the day goes home with the lucky student. You can only imagine how proud I was to see my son victoriously running to the car at pickup holding up a large rubber boot
In my experience, it’s better to make other people suffer for your art.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
My husband offered to make me a mimosa & then said, “Oh, sorry, we don’t have orange juice.”
Me: “That’s fine. I don’t take orange juice in my mimosa.”
“Why buy expensive fireworks when you can make your own with ordinary household chemicals?” I said, and the other patients in the ER agreed.
*shakes the internet like a magic 8-ball* What am I mad about today?
When one door closes another door opens, pretty sure my house is haunted, I sleep on the porch
What kind of rifle do comedians use?
JK47’s.
Shoot me.
ME: this is Inky my pet octopus, Stompy my elephant and Mr Butters my horse
FRIEND: the horse isn’t Hoofy or something?
ME: grow up Kalvin
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
Blocking someone isn’t enough; I want them to step in water with their socks on.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[Christmas]
Coworker: Nice ugly sweater!
Me, wearing sweater I knit myself: Thanks. *cries*
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
I wish I could get the hell out of here and move to New Zealand. A Hobbit hole in Bag End would be nice right about now.
ME: may I speak to the chef please? Today’s repast was magnifiqué
MCDONALD’S CASHIER: what
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
You sound smart. You some kinda ‘ologist?
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
*Seductively hides in the woods
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories