Don’t think of Daylight Saving Time as losing an hour of sleep.
Think of it as being one hour closer to breakfast.
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My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Had an epiphany today.
She carries herself with such poise, clumsy poise but still.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
Why it’s so many prime days?
They broke ?
I finally got some me time away from the kids. Two whole hours. It would’ve been longer but my legs went numb crouching behind the dryer.
Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
Me: I couldn’t eat another thing.
Narrator: Oh, she ate another thing. And then some.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
vampire waiter: would you like to order?
customer: I’ll have a steak
vampire waiter: [sweating nervously] what…wuddya need a stake for?
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
My theory on why humans are mostly hairless is we harnessed fire and then kept igniting ourselves
Disgruntled werewolf repeatedly brought to the pound because hundreds of years of evolutionary missteps lead him to look like a cocker spaniel
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.