Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me ending every email:

THanks!

THanks{backspace}

THank{backspace}

THan{backspace}

THa{backspace}

TH{backspace}

Thanks!

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.

Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?

Damn, my printer is needy af. Always asking for more paper or more ink. I give and give and then it tells me it doesn’t think we have a connection.

I dunno Discovery Channel, if you think crabs are the deadliest thing you can catch, you’ve obviously never slept with my sister Ashley.

My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

Funny how the more time we spend at home, the more we look like homeless people.

How do you explain this gap in your resume?

“I was in jail.”

Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?

“Swear to God. Jail.”

[first date]

DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths

ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*

I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min

BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife

Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.

Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.

me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?

saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there

Can we all just agree that fries are really just nude poutine?

If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.

[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse

My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?

Cyanide smells like almonds, so I keep a bottle of almond extract on me at all times to keep people on their toes.

Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?

Airport security: no liquids on the plane

Me: ok *starts drinking it*

Airport security: people usually just throw away the shampoo

I used to have a friend who was trying to name her soon-to-be-born son, and she confided in me that the hardest part of pregnancy was not drinking. I suggested she name the kid “Chip,” like an AA chip, and I laughed and laughed. We’re not friends anymore

“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”

[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]

other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard

harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT

‘Just Do It (Yourself)’

NIKEA

If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager

Why would I go to my high school reunion? I didn’t want to be there the first time.

It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’