Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.

NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.

(Creating Atheists)

God: Make some humans Sciencey

Angel: Will they believe in you?

God: No, but they’ll be so surprised when we meet!

*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.

This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo

MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?

EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom

BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?

My 7yo asked “why doesn’t mommy eat ice cream?” And my husband and I laughed and laughed and laughed because every night after the kids go to sleep I eat a giant mug full of ice cream.

This was the very first time she’s appeared to be impressed by me.

[checking my phone]

“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck

[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]

SNAIL: I’m a turtle?

GOD: No, you’re a snail

SNAIL: I have a shell

GOD: Yup

SNAIL: and I move really slowly

GOD: Yeah, all the time

SNAIL: but I’m not a turtle?

GOD (made too many turtle shells and needed somewhere to put them): you’re a completely different thing

Me: *airbrushing a wolf howling at the moon among a starry night sky*

Detective: honestly just a chalk outline around the body is fine

front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree

The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.

The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza

To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.

You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”

Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore

Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.

Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.

As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.

My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.

Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really matters

Bohemian Rap-sody

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts

Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be

She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.

*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*

Why is your kid mad at you today? Mine is mad because I didn’t take him to a restaurant that shut done before he was born.

Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.

My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.

how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest

GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!

ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth