Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
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[Me, in sign language, next to volcano]
The Earth soup is not for eating
What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want.
Me: I want you to fix the kitchen faucet.
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Why didn’t they just call the Selfie Stick a NarcissiStick?
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
I’m usually a smart man but when my wife went into labor with our first born I brought my laptop to the hospital because my Farmville crops needed to be harvested before they died. She really had bad timing with that whole “labor” thing.
Mom: Aww she is having so much fun!
Child (blowing bubbles and popping them): I CREATE AND DESTROY. I AM A GOD.
Oura Ring: “Time to stretch your legs a bit?”
I’M IN BACK TO BACK ZOOM MEETINGS LEAVE ME ALONE HEALTH DEVICE!
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
We’ve all been there
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
wife: YOU changed the sheets?!
[flashback to me eating nachos in bed after she told me not to and getting cheese everywhere]
me: Surprise!
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
That walk of shame when you fail at throwing a ball of paper into the garbage.
they split up moments later
My cat is like a shitty Roomba that picks up all the dirt off the floor, but then just deposits it onto the carpet.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
Child: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Went to bed with wet hair and woke up looking like I might know a lot about astrophysics
Salad is being recalled. Do you know what’s never been recalled? Oreos.
How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.