Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
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he’s a little confused but he got the spirit
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
I’ve tried playing Jenga with children. But it’s so much easier using the little wooden blocks.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
I took the first step towards cleaning out my closet today. I went in there and looked it over good.
host: name a famous tattoo artist
me: *buzzing in* abraham inkin
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
The @NewYorker buying Twitter ads to promote its article about how Twitter is dying kind of undercuts the thesis
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Oh thanks BBC.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
Just now learning that many Victorian-era radiators had built in cabinets for warming food. Can you imagine heating your house *and* smelling garlic bread at the same time
