Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
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What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
Me, dressed Covid casual at work.
Boss: “Are you wearing a pillow case?”
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
my teenager came out into the living room and is sitting here with me. Idk what to do. What’s happening. Is this the twilight zone? does he know he’s not in his room?
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
I should be paying way less taxes if I’m supposed to “save democracy” this often
I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.
Me: Shot through the heart
911: What is your location?
Me: And you’re to blame
911: Pardon?
Me: You give love a bad name
911: I’m hanging up
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Oh sorry I can’t right now. I’m imagining some things and worrying about them
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird
Just been to the gym and there’s a new machine. Only used it for an hour, as I started to feel sick. It’s good though. It does everything: Kit-Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers, etc.
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
OLD MAN: I fought in WWII
ME: Oh yeah? What was your kill:death ratio
OLD MAN: what
ME: Can you rocket jump?
OLD MAN: I wish Hitler had won
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*
Who is that walking up my driveway?!
Anxiety in 3…2…1…
[knock, knock]
*sigh*
“WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
every day i feed my cats the exact same thing and every day they look at me like i got their order wrong
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock