Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[the first ever boomerang]

HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t

Day 30 on the desert island. Out of food. There’s no other option, I’m going to have to talk to the other survivors

NALA: Why can’t you be the king I know? The king you have inside you?
SIMBA: That doesn’t make sense. I think I’d remember if I ate a king.

Me: I wish my life was like a Disney movie

Genie: *snaps fingers*

Me: …what changed?

Genie: your mom was shot in the woods

Much like the giant panda and the snow leopard, the 20-something white girl without a wrist tattoo is now an endangered species.

I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.

I just heard a lady in the grocery store parking lot tell her dog in the truck she loves him & he’s beautiful & she’s going to miss him, but she’ll brb & kissed head.

& I just feel like we need more of her in this world.

I also wanna be her dog when I grow up.

Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.

I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.

Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:

100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree

The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.

Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.

Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.

Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.

Don’t make this weird…

contractor: I finished installing the secret entrances, death ray, and crocodile moat. all that is left is the payment

super villain: no

contractor: right, should’ve seen that coming

I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.

sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests

me: going to the gym

friend: but it’s 2AM

me: got to exercise my demons

I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.

Verizon: your online bill is ready

Me: ok. for what

“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists

shazam but for random noises outside

When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose

I only share nudes on the off chance that person is a doctor and can spot a weird mole.

Affordable healthcare, bb!

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

Cat.

i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum

If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.

Adult trick-or-treating: One house gives chocolate, the next gives wine, and the last tells me how to stop killing my plants.