Don’t think of it as losing followers, think of it as frustrating bots to the point they go away
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I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”
me: did you hear chappell roan sold out. she’s an industry plant. she’s a nepo
my wife: the baby’s crying
me: as he should be. it’s upsetting
2 friends and I once pulled the 3 kids in a trenchcoat trick & killed a man got tried as an adult but when they hung mike, paul & I fell out
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
7: Mommy look!
Me: Ok
7: Look at me!
Me: I’m looking
7: Look!
Me: I AM!
7: Why aren’t you looking?!
Me: OMG I’m looking! I’m staring right at you!
7: Wow. You’ve got a temper
Me:
7: And staring is rude
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
A lot of people don’t know this but the couch that played coffee shop couch in Friends is a couch in real life too
It’s not so much sneaking out of my kids room after she falls asleep as it is doing a trust fall out of her twin bed and hoping the discarded stuffies catch me.
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Shout out to Pringles for admitting they’re addictive, unlike cigarettes and heroin the two biggest liars of the snack industry.
[adrift at sea]
CLOWN: no worries, we can use this helium canister to propel us to shore
ME: *really squeaky voice* we need a different plan
Put a bar inside Home Depot you cowards.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck