Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
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Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.
Women have all the answers to all your questions.
And you don’t even have to ask.
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
[Taking my date on a motorbike ride] Ok, so when I put the coin in the slot, you hit the start button
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
Don’t listen to gmail, little password. You are strong.
I’m on a train and the driver just announced that he forgot to stop at St Albans and is very sorry to anyone that wanted to get off the train there, and that the next stop would be St Pancras. “That one’s entirely on me,” he added. 😬
The best part of being an adult is eating whatever you want. I just ate a small man that pissed me off at the liquor store.
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
*at a shower
Our next game is using a roll of toilet paper to dress her in a death shroud.
[friend whispers to me]
Sorry. Wedding dress.
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
Being a toddler must be wild. Imagine thinking your own mother is trying to poison you when they give you a homemade vegetable quesadilla then going and eating the dirt out of a potted plant instead.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
I bet whenever a pilot drives a car there’s a brief moment of panic like “why isn’t it going up??”
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Jail
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank