Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
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I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.
You brake checked me? My baby is car-seatless rolling around the floor like a water bottle, and you brake check me?
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.
Paranormal activity camera 3:33am…
Only catches me eating a chicken leg while doing the robot in my underwear.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Guess I’ve had too much caffeine…I thought this lady was a muppet.
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
We need to make art so weird that when the tech companies try using it to train AI, the AI goes “listen I don’t know what this is and I’m scared”.
I’ve never been to a tailgate party, but I once hung out with my grandma and her friends in the bingo parking lot for 30 minutes.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
My wife bought us a sex swing, and at first I was like “cool”, because I thought maybe we were getting a giant parakeet.
Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.
There is a lady who just asked me if Arsenal is a series! I asked her why?She told me that all Arsenal fans usually wait for the next season
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
Fun prank: Just leave random “I’m sorry I hit your car” notes on people’s cars and watch them look for a non existent dent.
*reheats leftovers from yesterday’s dinner date*
*takes bite*
*waiter from last night knocks on window*“how’s everything tasting folks”
The Mayan calendar didn’t end in 2012, they just sold the calendar technology to a billionaire from another continent who promised to make it “better”