Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
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if you didn’t want me to hide in your closet you shouldn’t have said you had the hiccups
Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[poking you repeatedly in the shoulder] I’ll keep this up until you acknowledge me. I’ve got nowhere else to be.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.
I tried quitting this mom job but the exit interview was just my kids saying “But why?” for 4 hours straight.
*pulls the pin on a can of Axe body spray*
*lobs it into your open car window as you drive by*
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
Now colored!
Stonehinge
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Karen, will you marry me?
“Ugh. No. Please take me home.”
*20 minutes of awkward silence as hot air balloon slowly descends*
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
sisters are so important. how else would my mom find out all the stuff i didn’t want her to know
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.