Don’t think too hard about why Santa would name a reindeer “Vixen.”
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For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
coworker relationships are crazy because we don’t hangout or talk outside of work, but i know you tried to poison your husband once
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Everyone stop over reacting!
There was no Earthquake….
I slipped in the shower, these things happen…
Kids, do not try this at home!
I don’t know why these ingrates at the corn maze are so upset. All I did was lead them to safety with these two hands and a machete.
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
Me: You haven’t fought with your sister in two whole days.
10yo: I know. We should send her to camp more often.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Lady behind me on this @delta flight is complaining to the stewardess because they made her check her bag and there’s a ton of room.
Her husband to the stewardess: “you know she went to college with the CEO of Delta”
Stewardess: “You should have kept in touch.”
💀
Be vigilant
me: it’s bedtime.
my 10yo: did you ever notice that zebra begins with the last letter of the alphabet and ends with the first letter of the alphabet?
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
This is Chance. He’s just been entrusted with his first strawberry. Very honored. Will take care of it forever. 12/10
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
ME: In 1923 W. C. Fields said “It ain’t what they call you, it’s what you answer to.”
BARISTA: I just need to write something on the cup.
This guy gets it.
RIP the dinosaurs. Can’t believe it’s 65 million years already.
Always in my thoughts
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
I’ve got a mind like a computer. Not like as “in quick information processing,”…. but like as in goes to sleep after 5 min of inactivity.
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Me (digging a hole): how’s this?
My clone: at least 6 feet deeper
Me: you sure there’s treasure?
My Clone: toss me up your keys bud
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.