Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
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Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Dear diary,
Day 1 (8 AM)
For my own safety, I’ve decided to quarantine myself in my house. I have enough food to last me for six months.
Day 1 (10 AM)
I’ve run out of food.
What
[middle of the night]
Me: Wake up!
Wife: What?!
Me: I dreamt Dolores Umbridge banned my pig
Wife:
Me: But she couldn’t. It was HOGwarts
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
I’m thinking about redesigning my house with a brand new family.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
“We’re not so different, you and I,” Mitt Romney said to a stack of white printer paper.
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person