Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
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Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
A school makes you educated like a plane makes you a skydiver.
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh, guess who’s awoken the tickle monster?
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
Beauty & the Beast 2 is just 90 minutes of Belle and the prince shopping for new furniture after it all turned back into people.
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
I even pretend not to be home for a knock-knock joke
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
Misery loves company. But not you. Even Misery has standards.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.