Don’t throw away old pyjamas. Collect as many pairs as you can, and in the middle of the night spread them out on Russell Brand’s front lawn so that when he wakes up he’ll think he’s missed the Rapture.
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From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
this is supposed to be an 18 year old
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
the hulk is green because he’s not ripe yet
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
I just found that there’s such a thing as a cheese shop and now I’m changing my vacation plans.
Him: Do you want to run away with me?
Me: We won’t actually be running, right?
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Me: Are you gonna change your name after we get married?
Her: Yes
Me: What do you think of “Jessica Rabbit”?
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.
Chip bags should be clear, show me what you want me to pay $6 for, cowards.
American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
You have to hand it to Subway for convincing us it’s acceptable to eat an entire loaf of bread for lunch.
[First date]
Sarah: I’m a twin.Me: Do you know what each other are thinking?
*meanwhile across town*
Sue: Sarah’s date isn’t going well.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
[at restaurant on 1st date pretending not to be an eel]
Date: The wine is lovely great choice
Me: *helplessly slips off chair*