@wickedsuga

DON’T TOUCH ME! AND YOU’RE BREATHING WRONG! STOP IT!

-wives, on their period

Or if they’re hungry.
Or if you are actually breathing wrong.

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@Izianikapani

My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.

@fightgeek

them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy

@TheBoydP

Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…

@heyitsJudeD

Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…

@MumInBits

My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.

@3sunzzz

Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.

@AndrewNadeau0

HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.

@Swishergirl24

If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.

@ka_waltz

one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar

@hippieswordfish

‘maybe the world wasn’t ready for pizza perfume’ i thought to myself as i hid in a dumpster, watching the townspeople try to eat each other