-wives, on their period

Or if they’re hungry.
Or if you are actually breathing wrong.

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My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.


them: is that a real sword

me: why would i walk around with a toy sword. that’s crazy


Well well well, if it isn’t the guy from the cloud shapes in the sky…


Me: why don’t you go and play with Jack?

3yo: no, I like playing with myself

Me: er, by, you like playing BY yourself…


My 3yo asked what my favourite animal is and when I said penguin she yelled ‘NO IT ISNT’ and then she yelled at me until I agreed that my favourite animal was a bat and I don’t like bats. Or 3 year olds.


Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.


HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.


If by “unload the dishwasher” you mean take out clean utensils as I need them, then yes I unloaded the dishwasher.


one of my bosses years ago was really into darts and one day she was describing what she liked about the shaft of her favorite brand of darts, monster. then she wanted to show me and I watched, helplessly, as she typed “monster shaft” into the google search bar


‘maybe the world wasn’t ready for pizza perfume’ i thought to myself as i hid in a dumpster, watching the townspeople try to eat each other