never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
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Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
Inventor of the toaster:
How about something that makes bread warm and crunchy, but also doubles as a murder weapon?
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
*Jesus sits down at the bar*
“The boss says we have to start charging you for water”
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss, you’ll land among the other losers who missed a 15 million square mile target.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
#WasSoAmusing Some of it. That’s why…for some this works…others need it “perfect”.
Bring back the McRib
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
[making out]
her: did u bring protection
me: yes
her: where is it
me: hey Frank
[voice from under bed] yeah boss?
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
PRO TIP: leave the oven on at all times in order to avoid the hassle of pre-heating
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention