Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
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first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
imagine you get to the gates of heaven and they make you download an app to go in
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I see the Chancellor has raised passenger duty on private planes by a whopping 50%? Those multi billionaires are going to have to stop buying avocados and going to Starbucks.
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
“i can’t go because of coronavirus”
– whiny
– boring
– weak“i’ve sworn an oath of solitude til the blight is purged from these lands”
– heroic, valiant
– they will assume you have a sword
– impossible to check if you really have a sword because of coronavirus
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
My right ear is so swollen from poison ivy that I can barely hear the kids fighting and yelling so [vigorously rubs poison ivy leaves inside left ear]
*Likes every cat post that comes across my feed
Me: MY GOD why am I only seeing posts about cats
[at condiment counter]
*does shot of ketchup*
Me (gets in kid’s face): Wait your turn, punk
Wife: Oh no…he’s getting sauced up again
doctor: I’ve never lost a patient and I’m not about to start now dammit!
nurse: we found him. he was hiding in the linen closet
*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*
I saw a woman claiming she’s pre-divorced on a dating app and when I showed my wife she said now I am too.
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.