@SwirlySkittles

Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.

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@sarahkendzior

My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂

@Darlainky

I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.

@rockymomax

[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe

[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die

@Loli_Sug

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

@slytherinstef

So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-

Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…

@B1gBrainsMcGee

Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35

@TampaBayMomma

Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.

@IamEveryDayPpl

In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…

They’ll be SO surprised!

@NJGov

┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔

@Lhlodder

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms