Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
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Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
HANG GLIDER COP: I see a crime happening directly below me
[glides on]
Not much I can do
I just responded to a text message with: I can’t hear you, you’re breaking up
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Dentist: “Wow your teeth really got yellow since last time. I’m prescribing a new Snapchat filter.”
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
I made £40,000 in one day using a simple trick. Send me £2,000 and I’ll tell you how I did it
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
Me typing: univrsity
Autocorrect: Hey I caught a typo.
Me: Haha oops.
Autocorrect: You meant to say “U never city”
Me: Why would I say that?
Autocorrect: I fixed it and sent it to your dad.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
Bob: What happened to you?
Me: Run over by a truck
Bob: [runs over by a truck] ok, now tell me what happened to you
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
I love you just the way you are.
Though I do have a few suggestions.
Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
Ladies, if he:
– doesn’t introduce you to his parents
– never calls you back
– has four feet
– smells like potato chips
– could easily be mistaken for a loaf of breadthat’s my pug, you’re dating my pug