My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Don’t touch my nutella with your banana.
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I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe
[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
In order to get my nephews up and ready for church in a timely manor, I told them we were going to Disneyland…
They’ll be SO surprised!
wash our hands
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.