Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This is funnier than it should be. 😂

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014

[Grocery store checkout]

Me: *cracks open a beer*

Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here

Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this

Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here

me: why’d you pull me over?

cop: I think you know why

me: it’s my eyes isn’t it

cop: …

me: *sigh* they’re hazel

cop: so mysterious

Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start

Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.

[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright

My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.

Don’t be a poser bro

Just because you didn’t say “thank you” doesn’t mean I’m won’t say “you’re welcome.” No need for us both to behave the way you were raised.

Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…

I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat

“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”

– Guy about to get stabbed bad

If monogamy is sex with only one person, what is origami?

😂😂

Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”

I washed my shirts and they’re hanging out on the clothes line. They know what they did!

me: [leans in for kiss]
robber: quickly but then money

my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me

[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.

My first day working as a consultant at Microsoft! All going extremely well apart from tripping over a cable. 99% sure I plugged it back in the right socket.

Suffering from kleptomania?

You should take something.

ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain

When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.

Worked a treat.

Got me twenty years.

Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.

We are never having children.

doctors don’t really need to hit you with that rubber hammer it’s just how they release a lil tension through the day

Good Cop: If you tell us where the money is we can help you.

Bag Cop: *majestically floats around the interrogation room on AC currents*

men what’s stopping you from looking like this

My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.