Don’t touch that.
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genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.
Listen here weather report, don’t tell me 1” hail.
You tell me Oreo size hail so I can understand.
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
They’re on their honeymoon
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I have an ungodly amount of Taco Bell hot sauce packets for being a grown woman who’s nutritionally responsible for two children.
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
Sometimes I worry that my son’s childhood is too happy and he won’t be funny when he’s older.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?