Don’t touch that.
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I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Spam emailers who use the heading “Loaded broccoli salad to win the holidays” are not to be trusted.
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Do you know why I stopped?
*silence*
*a saxophone wails in the distance*
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Shakespeare: ugh! I do no want to people today
Bee: that’s funny. It doesn’t even occur to me whether or not I want to bee
Shakespeare: *discreetly taking notes
I was abducted by aliens. They made me wash my hands, clean my room, and eat my vegetables.
Turns out I was on the mothership.
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
*eating catfish*
This looks nothing like it did on the menu
I guess it’s time to start acting my age. Seriously when I was born, the Dead Sea was just sick.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
what do you want
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Karate instructor: Come at me with an attack and I will defend it.
Me: You are stupid.
Instructor: *holding back tears* I meant physically