“Don’t touch that. You don’t know where it’s been.”
“I don’t think you washed your hands long enough. Go wash them again.”
“In this house we cover our mouths when we cough.”
My parents did a better job preparing me for adulthood than they knew.
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“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
When you look up from your phone only to realize that the woman at the grocery store you’ve been following is not your wife.
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
Everyone likes the guy who won’t tolerate bullshit until it’s your bullshit.
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Me: that curry was delicious. What was in it?
Hannibal Lecter: it’s a family recipe.
Me: Can I get a spoon to finish off the sauce?
Hannibal: Just mop it up with your nan.
I’m going to open a camouflage store at the mall and call it
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
To be honest, I’m annoyed that my 5th grade curriculum didn’t include a ‘Defense against the dark arts’ class.
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
Me: Omg, my legs are like jello!
Trainer: You stood up.
Me: Sooo sore!!
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
Wine shopping with my mom is 10% grape variety and 90% “ooohh this one has a pretty label.”
Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
The only thing I want written on my tombstone is “I’m standing right behind you.”