Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you

I thought there had to be another explanation for why they disappear but a repairman just took apart my washer machine AND IT WAS FULL OF LOOSE SOCKS

Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep

I’m pretty sure my little brother exists only because I got too old to be my mama’s remote control.

Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao

*Courtroom erupts in laughter*

Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect

[world series game 1]
Wife: where are our seats?
Hamlet: 2b…
Wife: there are people there
Hamlet: or not 2b

Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”

One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.

Until then, I’ll keep eating.

in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me

i said it was my favourite show, i didn’t say it was good

[Batman at McDonald’s]
What’s your chicken sandwich called?
-A McChicken
And the rib?
-A McRib
[pulls out his batwallet] I like your style.

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

If my company really wanted us to move during a fire drill, they’d lose the alarm and just announce that there’s free food by the stairs.

I wouldn’t say I “missed” your call.

Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁

You and I share a very special connection.

*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.

Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??

me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia

therapist: you might be getting carried away

me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight

I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.

A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”

I think the cat got the dog high.

shaggy: look out, it’s a g-g-g-ghost!

fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts

scrappy doo who is a literal talking dog: yea shaggy u stupid human idiot

My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.

Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.

Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.

Me: Piece of cake, babe.

[one week later]

Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.

I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.

I kneaded that.

It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge

Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.