Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: everything happens for a reason

Her: can I get your number?

Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”

Her: I’ll also need your insurance

She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.

-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.

I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.

*professes my undying love to my microwave*

*microwave sets itself on fire*

H: What is that you’re having for lunch?

Me: fruit salad

H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.

Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*

me: can i get a burger ($5.99) with fries ($1.99) and a soda ($1.49)

cashier: sure that’ll be $25

me: ok

Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.

the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor

What do we want?
SOME GOOD DECISIONS!

When do we want them?
BEFORE LAST NIGHT!

Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.

“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:

my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin

Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.

Neighbor: Nice. I got-

Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad*

Me: Dad’s in the garage.

Son: *repeatedly yelling Dad but louder now*

Me: [when I like someone on Twitter] you’re a wonderful human being and I love you
Me: [when I like someone in real life] *velociraptor noises*

Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m

I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).

*tornado takes out half of my house*

Me: (without looking up from my phone) hey guys is the internet not working for you?

😎

*dresses like a kitty*

*climbs tree*

*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*

BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!

We just died…

AND WE LIKED IT!!!

Enjoying a few cups of coffee at my enormous kitchen island while being scrutinized by my two friends, one of whom has a torso that is physically inside the island

Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.

Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.

A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.

why is everyone concerned about dying alone i don’t even want people to see me eating spaghetti

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

when I see an attractive girl in a long over coat I like to imagine she has a lot of watches for sale under there

Vet: “I can see the head…

…here’s the neck…

…more neck…

…more neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…neck…

…still more neck…

…neck…

…it’s a giraffe!”

Decided to eat outside and a gust of wind just blew half my salad away. Welcome to British summer.