Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

#TexasFreeze
Dear Texas:
Best advice I’ve seen… and
Good luck, stay warm & STAY HOME if you can!

Do you need a glass of water?

No???

You sure? You seem a little salty…

People who pronounce didn’t as.”dih-in’t” please doh-on’t.

Me: *in bed with dogs*

*car drives down street*

Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?

I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions

*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.

I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision

i actually have good reason to shoot the messenger. for one, i do NOT like what he’s telling me

I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!

While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.

Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“

Me- “tf did you just call me?”

[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]

*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*

MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!

I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.

ME: Here, take my seat

EXECUTIONER: No thank you

Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.

*watches Beauty and the Beast*

*looks at dirty dishes in sink*

WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!

[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.

If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.

Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts

Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts

Her: I like long walks on the beach.

Me: Is there WiFi?

Her: Where?

Me: The beach.

Her: What?…No.

Me: We should see other people.

Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.

Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots

[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!

Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment

Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here

Godzilla represents a desire in all of us for our reputation to shift from being seen as a baddie to a good guy while changing our behaviour in no way, shape or form.

Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.

the prophecy has been fulfilled

my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)