Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.

Kid: I don’t like cheese

Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

coffee: because shanking people is heavily frowned upon.

I’m not sure who’s more drunk, me or the guy wearing my wife’s clothes standing in the mirror.

Casual: Rob a bank

Fancy: Robert a bank

so I’m driving back from the shops and I see someone walking a corgi, and it’s pretty quiet so obviously I pull over to say hi, because, you know, corgi, and lads I had fully parked the car and gotten out before I realised

that the person was my husband and the corgi is my corgi

To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.

Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason

I’m no expert but a Brazilian sounds like a whole lot of bras

Appears Hallmark doesn’t make a card for Condolences to a hot widow, for the untimely death of her elderly husband, under somewhat suspicious circumstances, and who may in fact be a person of interest.

I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.

[job int]
“& what are your areas of weakness?”
[leans in so close my nose touches the interviewers]
“I don’t like people touching my nose.”

Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN

My most difficult parenting challenge to date is when my toddler shouted “oh my god, not again!” when my over talkative neighbour came to chat to us and I had to try not to laugh

LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u

[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”

me when my friends ask me to look after their kids

Girls don’t want boys they want birds and squirrels and mice to help them get dressed for fancy balls.

nurse: how do you rate your pain

me: zero stars

nurse:

me: would not recommend

I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.

Parenting is easy.

I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.

Homosexuality was still classified as an illness in Sweden in 1979. Swedes protested by calling in sick to work saying they felt gay.

(Teaching my kid about screwdrivers)

Remember: righty tighty, lefty loosey.

That’s it now the vodka’s open get the orange juice.

me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings

pumpkin patch employee: ok

Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.

My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt

*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…

One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?