Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
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Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
Sorry man, I wasn’t trying to kiss you. You just had melted cheese stuck in your beard and I couldn’t help myself
Sorry I said “What is it?” when you showed me your baby.
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become “the poor man’s butter” again, put down the monkey paw
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
Waiting for a mannequin with a gut so I can really see how that shirt will look on me.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
My nephew found a cassette tape in my house. It was like watching early man discover fire.
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.