Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers

When I was a kid we didn’t have to come home until the street lights came on, and sometimes our parents shot them out on purpose.

Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.

Reckon the first person to make popcorn by accident probably ran away for a while.

Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.

Well. That’s not a good sign.

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

Call a dude bro 3 times in a row and he’ll automatically flex.

It’s the redoucheflex

I hate it when I catch SpongeBob halfway through and I can’t follow the plot

When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]

me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen

hitman:

Thank god that racist basketball guy showed up or we’d still be talking about how we’re not finding that airplane.

“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel

“Enjoy this gift of a very normal large wooden horse”

“How do you speak with an American accent?”

“Well, imagine vowels killed your parents, and you’re out for revenge.”

daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?

me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?

daughter:

Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.

*puts finger over your lips*

Shhhhhhhhhhhhh

*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*

nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale

Our new dog has her first training class today where she will hopefully learn to stop dislocating my shoulder when she sees a squirrel on our walks.

Cookie dough and vodka are not dinner.
Coocie dogh and vodka are nt diner.
Cokie dgh and vodkka arnt dinr.
Ckidgvkljtdcbr.

wife: um, why is the zoo calling about a missing baby tiger?

me filling a big bowl with frosted flakes: no idea.

I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit

Me: Sleeps three hours.
Brain: That’ll do.

‘What’s that smell?’

‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’

‘This is your car’

I’m in a weird place in life because I’m not ready to get married, but I am ready to drag some cans behind my car

Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.

being in your 30s would be so fun if you didnt wake up each morning with neck pain that suggests you slept hanging upside down like a bat

When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.