Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.

You’re not meant to sit on them.

My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.

Next time someone slides into your dm asking for a pic send a pic of your bills
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I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahaha

Colonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?

Me: Yeah why?

Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now

my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay

You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.

*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…

A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.

Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨

*solves baby formula supply chain issues*

*pulls away from kissing*

batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

What’s the sleaziest way of fitting four multiple choice options into one?

A) Be Seedy

Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂

The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning

The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?

Axl Rose: welcome to the jungle

The jungle: please stop bringing people here

[playing the game of life]

instructions: the player with the most money wins

me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic

cop: [pointing at me] he with you?

him: never seen him before

me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together

Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.

DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.

ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

What’s this sorcery? 😂

THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.

You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital

Sure the pilot says “feel free to move about the cabin,” he doesn’t mean it.

waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me:
waiter:
me: *takes first bite*
waiter: HOW’S EVERYTHING TASTING

[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]

ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day

Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL

[on my deathbed]

Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?

Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.

Me: I’M UP!!!

Got in a fight with the wife so I didn’t let her sleep on the couch with me last night.

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.