(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
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Having a conversation with my oldest we came to this impasse:
5: No mom, not chicken the animal, chicken the food!
Me: Oh man, buddy…I’ve got bad news for you.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I gave up trying to get this sport bra off. It’s a hat now
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Husband: Can you turn on the hose for me?
Me: Sure {awkwardly starts removing clothes}
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
You really shouldn’t label sandwiches, I mean they have a right to exist in a world without labels and judgements just like everyone else.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
My favourite school memory?
One time we were talking about different olive oils and the teacher asked what does extra virgin mean and everyone turned to look at me.
Video Games made me do it.
Rock n’ Roll made me do it.
Witches made me do it.
Satan made me do it.– a short history of responsibility
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.