“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
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I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Me: I might have done that when I was younger, but I’m too old for that now.
Nurse: Ma’am, I only asked you to stand up.
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
[This zoom meeting I’m in right now]
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Everyone: *EVERYONE TALKING AT ONCE*
Everyone:
Green beans are also called string beans so string theory is now green theory. I don’t make the rules or follow them!
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
My daughter said it’s 11:11 make a wish and my son said I wish everyone would shut up so I think he’s ready for adulthood now.
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
Me: Dropped my phone & now screen doesn’t work.
Help forum: Should’ve had a better case.
Apparently, my mother works in Samsung support now.
Whenever I say bad words like ‘diet’, I wash my mouth out with doughnuts.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
If you capitalize ‘him’ in your tweets I’m gonna automatically assume you’re subtweeting god.
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.