“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
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Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I’m getting old. I’m watching a horror film about a house with a hidden cellar that wasn’t on the deeds, and all I can think is how much value that would add.
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
her: I’m a cat person
me: I’m more of a dog pers-
her: [starts licking hind leg]
me: oooOoo k
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Sometimes my cat sneezes and I’m like “Oh no. You’re allergic to cats.”
11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.
He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.
Me: i want a ferraro
Friend: ferrari?
Me: no just one
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”
Netflix to unveil new ad sponsored content in a move that industry executives call “Television.”
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Dear Coworker, If I’m nodding my head & smiling at everything you’ve said, this means I’m fantasizing about getting banged by David Beckham.
the “don’t confuse your google search with my medical degree” thing is especially funny to me bc i’ve seen my doctors google my symptoms in appointments
Starting a cover band called “A Book” so no one can judge us.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Plumber: I think I found the problem
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
Me: What do you need to watch out for while trick-or-treating?
Kids: Cars
Me: And…
Kids: Wine moms
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Me: “I’ve been really under the weather lately.”
Doctor: “When did your symptoms start?”
Me (checks watch): “1985.”
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.