Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

you’d think the thing in my house with the most cat hair on it would be my cat

[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour

careful fellas!

when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

A guy at work forges as a hobby and it took me almost a year before I realized that he wasn’t saying he was foraging on the weekend

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance

I like how people say “travel safely” like I’m the one flying the plane.

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

I could tell my beard needed a trim when I started seeing some of the pictures my 6yo was drawing of me.

INCORRECT PUNCTUATION STARTS FIGHTS:

Happy April Fools!!!

VS.

Happy April, Fools!!!

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

Parents: Your room is a mess.

Me: You really need to see my life.

ME: *lying on deathbed*

DEATH: get off my bed

Drafting a lengthy preamble to a meeting I’m running helps to set the tone, provide context, and guarantee that I’m never asked to run a meeting again

My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.

Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.

Husband: Let’s coordinate a time when we can go to the gym together.

Me: There’s a weights class I’ve been wanting to try.

Husband: You could use some cardio too.

*****
Services will be held at 7pm/6 Central. In lieu of flowers, please donate to your local pet shelter.

sphinx: answer my riddle correctly or die

me: 27

sphinx: but i haven’t asked the question…

me: [laying my head under her paw] we gonna do this or what?

5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.

Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.

Currently having a shit in the toilets on the roof of St Peter’s Basilica in the Vatican and I’m more excited than I should be and just needed to tell someone

I woke up this morning with stir-fry all over my bed.

I was probably sleep-wokking again.

This mosh pit at Chuck E. Cheese ain’t gonna start itself

Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.

I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.

Me: Wouldn’t it be funny if a hawk swooped down and grabbed one of the kids?
Him: You need help.

Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.