Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family

4: mom can I sing just a short song?

me: yes

4: ok its only just three hours long I promise

narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long

If you need a smile today, here’s a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 😂❤️

Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.

I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions

If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up

If you die on Everest they leave your body there and you just become a part of the scenery. The same thing happens if you die in a Dollar General.

[GOING BACK IN TIME]

Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!

Everybody: The what now?

First date

Him: What do you do?

Me [pulls out a Victoria’s Secret catalog that I’ve clearly glued photos of my face into]

“I’m a model.”

I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas

I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms

Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.

Boss: Can I have a word with you?

Me: umbrella

[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*

I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.

ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important

The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.

[leaves note on windshield after accidentally hitting your car]
DECEPTICONS DID THIS

Most intimate spam text i’ve ever received

*Weather changes*
BODY: This is weird. Must have an asthma attack.
*Anything else changes*
MIND: This is weird. Must have a panic attack.

Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”

Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”

Me: I made GORP for our hike

Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows

Me: yeah, in handy single servings

Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags

Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.

Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.

Family: You never call anymore.

Me: I’m calling now?

Fam: Now’s not a good time.

Me: When should I call?

Fam: Anytime.

Lots of bills lately. I might have to sell a kidney. Haven’t decided whose yet.

I hit a deer with my car and had to call a Bambilance…

I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.

*married driving*

Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’

Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’

Autocorrect changed “panic attack” to “pancake attack” and now I’m hysterical AND hungry.