Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *kisses toddler* goodnight

Toddler: goodnight

Me: *shuts bedroom door*

Toddler: *behind me* hi

Me: how did you…

TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.

Welcome to the stomach

Got into a big fight with my toddler over what powers trains. I said electricity but he insisted it’s carrots. Carrots running trains is literally the hill he’ll die on.

My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.

This 1886 photograph of a young girl trying to cut a beam of sunlight with a pair of scissors is either a wonderful testament to the boundless imagination of childhood, or a clear example of the fact that kids were just as dumb 135 years ago.

You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up

that time I was high af and thought I laid an egg

Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad

“amateurs”

~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies

Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.

[being chased by killer]

ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*

Carpenters are only in it for them shelves.

Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow

Girl I wanna be strangely inside you just like the ‘meow’ in homeowner

DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*

*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*

doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week

me: the what

doc: the cabbage

me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??

doc:

i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)

the doc howled with laughter lmaooo

[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]

Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—

Real mother: get out.

[credits roll]

daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?

me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!

Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.

Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!

My client’s (soon to be ex) wife just flipped me off in the courthouse parking lot, so yeah, I’m obviously doing my job right.

In-laws going home a day early because I had the audacity to throw away “a good box.”

“Annie are you ok?”

-yep

“Are you ok?”

-dude, I just said yes

“Are you ok Annie?”

-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence

[Service Dept]
Mechanic: Ma’am, your alignment is all out of whack. Is this an off road vehicle?
Me: Sometimes. But never intentionally.

With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?

Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?

Me: imma stop you right there

are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked