Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t tripDon’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again– me running up the stairs
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To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor
Neighbor: *talking, shifts*
Me: *shifts, too, talking*
N: *moves, keeps talking*
M: *moves, too, keeps talking*
N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?
Me: Yes
N: *laughing*
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
[date]
HER: Silence of the Lambs is my favorite movie.
ME: Oh me too.
HER: Which part do you like best?
ME: *sweating* Um, when the lambs stop talking.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
How To Be A Parent
Step 1: have a child
Step 2: your guess is as good as mine
“Accountant jokes are funny but don’t really apply to me…”
~All accountants
Made something I’m not proud of
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Me *texting* I found a genie!
Wife: ok don’t do anything stupid
Me *finishing my 3rd taco* like what
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
I do the same thing every other woman my age does in the shower. Argue with people in my head.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
My husband, the world’s most notorious non- morning person, set an alarm for 4am today. Early workout? No. Big day at the office? No. Ladies and gentlemen, it’s golf. Not to PLAY golf, mind you, he set an alarm for 4am to WATCH GOLF.
Admitting you have a problem is half the battle. Convincing everyone else that they’re the problem is the other half.
We grew up so poor we could only listen to Duran.