@iwearaonesie

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

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@mommajessiec

Me: *has a single thought*

Facebook Headquarters: HEARD THAT LOUD AND CLEAR. COMMENCE THE ADS.

@PantsDonkey

Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.

@ArfMeasures

Me: I want to-

Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!

Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!

Boss: Ok good. Go on

Me: I want to stop working here

@Crutnacker

Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.

Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.

@Skoog

her: so we could have sex

me: 🙁

her: or we could do the complex fight choreography you came up with

me: 🙂

her: [sigh] i’ll get the katanas

@kaydececchis

acrylic nails are the best and worst things to ever happen. bagel right out the toaster? you can grab that shit like it’s not even hot. drop some quarters tho? keep walking that ain’t your change anymore