@iwearaonesie

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

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@ObscureGent

Friend: I can’t sleep.

Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?

Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?

@ShoutingGoddess

Marriage is like a tattoo. You say it’s for ever but we all know there are ways & means of ditching it. It’ll just be painful and expensive.

@LostFelicia

My dad was always captain of the ship when driving. He couldn’t be bothered by nonsense like speed limits and not trying to outrun law enforcement.

@FredTaming

her: the limit on tacos is 6 per person, sir

me: can i get 7

her: no

me: 8

her: no

me: 9

her: no

me: 10

her: you can’t do this forever

me: are you even familiar with numbers

her: yes?

me: 11

@EndhooS

[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park

@TrueTorontoGirl

[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?

[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?

@PetrickSara

Sometimes I worry about my daughter getting the wrong ideas about romantic relationships, but as we were eating, I overheard heard her mutter “I’m gonna marry this burrito,” so…nah, she’s good.

@SirEviscerate

If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.