Don’t trust anyone that orders a Medium Pizza….
You Might Also Like
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Danger is very dangerous
dog: [brings sticks inside]
me: no that belongs outside
me, at Christmas time: [brings entire tree inside]
dog: what the actual shit is this
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
“Hello, yes, I’m going to need a tray of hors d’oeuvres delivered this Tuesday at noon to the blue Acura parked next to the dumpster behind the Kohl’s on 14th Street.”
[inventing flies]
GOD: make them eat shit
ANGEL: got it
GOD: make their babies the grossest things in the world
ANGEL: ok who hurt you?
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Called it
7YR OLD: dad, why do feet smell but noses run?
ME: are…are you high right now?
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Once when I was on a cruise a lady took an entire pan of bacon to her table. The actual gigantic pan with ALL the bacon. I was so mad but I did have to give a little nod of respect.
The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking
Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
If you slept with my husband I’d be like “OMG how much do I owe you?”
Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
Interviewer: According to your resume, you’re one of the greatest fiction writers the world has ever known
Me: Yes, I wrote that
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
“The Godfather” teaches us that:
1. Nothing is more important than family and
2. Our families are always trying to kill us.