Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.

I’d like to say that I don’t have a favorite child, but I asked my kids what they’d like me to make for dinner and my 8yo said cereal.

me: hi sharks, I built an app that calls the elevator when you’re 30 seconds away, so it’s waiting when you get there

Mark Cuban: I’m offering $5M for a 1%–

me: huh? I’m not seeking investment, I’m just here to brag that I’m gonna be rich

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

Me: well that didn’t age well

My Mirror:

5 Minute Crafts be like:
-cut a straw longways
– iron it flat
-soak it in ice water
-use your .001″ curling iron
-then glue it together
And now you have a straw!

*Struts like a peacock*

I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep

Cw – it was 10 minutes long!

Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper

Of course I know about dates.
Each 100 gm of dates contains 75 gm of carbohydrate and 2.5 gm of protein.

Much healthy.

Your dating profile said you were a night owl…..eat this mouse.

6: I’m done.

Me: you didn’t even touch your food!

6 pokes food w/finger *without breaking eye contact*

The Sass is strong with this one

zone out

As a parent, the only warm meal I get around here is ice cream.

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

10: *mischievously to her sister* One foot, two feet, so for one boot, it’s two beet.

7: Noooooo, it’s booties!

The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.

Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing

First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

man: want a carrot?

horse: ok.

man: we’re friends now right.

horse: i guess.

man: great hey can you help me move.

I spent a solid 10 minutes lecturing my kid about not writing on the couch with a pen and she said “It’s a marker not a pen.”

Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.

What is love?

You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?

why isn’t he texting back

It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.

cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.

I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.

Twitter has actually made me smarter. I proofread, I verify spelling and punctuation. Downside is I am now mute and haven’t bathed in days.

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

I’m too Shreksy for my shirt

I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.

So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.

When someone brings biscuits into a meeting, the main focus of the entire meeting… is now biscuits