Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
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*2 ghosts walk into a bar*
That’s it.
Everyone left screaming.
Asked a vegetarian if she’d heard this song, then remembered vegos are too weak to turn on radios and way too busy playing with their lutes.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
All Your Eggs in One Basket would be a lovely name for an only child
straighten your back and drink some water you dehydrated banana
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
bank robber: fine one question
me: who would you say is your favorite hostage
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
OFFICER: the victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar made of antlers
DETECTIVE: dear god
OFFICER: most likely yes
[rap battle]
me: i do suck. i do sit in my house and watch youtube videos all day. i do get scared when i hear a loud noise
my opponent: dude i wasn’t going to say any of that shit. are you ok
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
[Clinic waiting room]
Me: WHEN DO WE DO BUTT STUFF??!
Nurse: Sir don’t shout that!
Me: [whispering to old lady next to me] butt stuff. when?
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
me
wife
me
wife
me: I didn’t know it was for you
wife [covered in soda because I shook the can up when my kid asked for one]
Looking forward to all the photos of people putting Luigi on top of their Christmas tree
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
“The Force Awakens” had 0 people riding giant CGI lizards.
How is that even science fiction?
They might as well rename it “Downton Abbey.”
When I bend down to feed the cat she leaps onto my back.When I try to stand back up it’s the saddest tiny rodeo you’ve ever seen.