Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it

Did you know that you can tell the gender of an ant by throwing it in water?

If it sinks = girl ant.
If it floats = buoyant.

How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?

With quad-ratic equations.

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

FROM THE FIRST BITE YOU CAN TELL CELERY DOESN’T WANT TO BE EATEN

Me: *uninstalls Facebook
Facebook: *reappears on my phone in the morning
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, drinks coffee
Facebook: *reappears on my phone
Me: *uninstalls Facebook, takes a shower
Facebook:…
Me: *wipes the steam off of the mirror
Facebook: *standing behind me

Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated

Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.

Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet

I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again

when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol

interviewer: one last question, name the coldest place on earth?

me: my ex’s heart

interviewer:

me:

interviewer: [holding back tears] you’re hired !!!

I hate avocados

*gets kicked out of California*

Is fructose made with real fruct?

Pouring a bucket of white marbles into the hippo pen will result in a lifetime ban from the zoo no matter how hungry they looked.

Them: “A clever person solves a problem, a wise person avoids it”
Me: *takes a nap

My wine is telling me to dance but my brain is telling me to go to bed old woman you’re drunk.

Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.

3 just stopped what she was doing looked at the sky and said ‘something’s coming’ in case you thought you were going to sleep tonight

me sober: i’m very shy and don’t like talking to people

me drunk: umm ok? these are my friends sue and dave, an older couple from england who are visiting nyc and don’t like hot dogs but are otherwise delightful

I’m not short or particularly thirsty, but thank you.

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.

A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.

These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

If homosexuals come out of the closet, do necrophiliacs come out of the casket?

The Terminator: I need your clothes

Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull

The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work

Me: *holding up a leg* PULL

ME: *burps a little under my breath*

MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’

got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite

the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it