Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
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dude killed a sea lion with his bike
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
I’ll believe corporations are people when Texas executes one.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
Writing tip: Give your characters different names. If all your characters are named “Nathan”, readers will become confused.
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
HER: We broke up at his house at 10:37 pm on Tues the 17th.
HIM: She’s mad at me.
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Any beach is a nude beach if you drink enough alcohol
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Doesn’t matter who you are, when that moment comes for you to drop your child off at overnight camp, you will experience that same emotional reaction that all parents have in that moment:
Realizing there’s one goddamn thing on their list you forgot to pack.
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
*posts “Glitter is my favorite color”*
*sits back to smirk while 347 strangers tell me glitter isn’t a color*
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.