Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What goes “ooooooooo”?

A cow with no lips.

I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”

Reporter: What went wrong in the Challenger launch?

NASA: have you ever built a space ship?

Reporter: well no bu-

NASA: it’s really hard

Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.

Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.

Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?

Me: Do you have the Harry Potter audiobook?
DJ: no

Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes

Glad i moved to a hip neighborhood where everyone is hot and I look like a rat who figured out how to use H&M gift card.

Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad

Bob the Builder: can we fix it?

Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.

me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom

dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom

ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.

UBER DRIVER: No.

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

Instagram better not use my cloud pics. THEY’RE MY CLOUDS GET YOUR OWN CLOUDS ZUCKERBERG!

A roof is a house hat.

*runs into long lost friend*

Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?

Me- I disappoint people

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.

My life in a nutshell

*text alert*

me: i hope that’s my crush

pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today

“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes

Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.

If she says “I have a question but don’t lie”, just know that she already has eight photos, three witnesses, a voice message and eighty six screenshots.

BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom

ME: uh yes, actually, I have

BULLY: Damn

ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone

Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?

Wife: Orchids?

Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?

people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description

My therapist told me that constantly fantasising about living off grid in a woodland cottage that doubles as a library that triples as an animal rescue centre, is actually a coping mechanism & a sign of exhaustion.

To which I say, well imaginary you is no longer invited