“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
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I got shitfaced at a wedding and found some pills in a baggie in my jacket pocket. Took one, woke up the next morning; my dear reader I had swallowed a spare button.
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
My kid is going on an overnight class trip and I told Jenny’s mom I was so excited and she was like “but then we can’t wait for them to get back” and then my face did a funny thing and my fingers accidentally deleted Jenny’s Mom from my phone
Bruh PLEASE
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
Hear me out: WrestleVania
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
Crap. I accidentally pulled up Instagram instead of Instacart. Now it’s 2 hours later and I have no groceries for Sunday prep but I know where Rihanna bought her hoop earrings and I have 20 cute pumpkin pics saved.
The human race won’t go extinct when our blood turns into high fructose corn syrup
Our demise will come when hummingbirds figure it out
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
BOSS: your productivity has been low
ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week
BOSS: who?
ME: me
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Schedule your appointment early in the month before your dentist starts fretting about their next boat payment.
me: [orders for my date like a gentleman]
waiter: five sides of mashed potatoes?
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
Well well well…
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
What I said: No you cannot take a stuffie on your field trip today.
What my kid heard: Sure, but take one of your brother’s in case you lose it.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
Pre- means before, and • post- means after. Using both at the same time would be preposterous.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
I have a horrific story to share. I sauteed broccoli for dinner with extended family. We were almost done. I was about to eat my last bite. And I saw a caterpillar. I went to the pan. More caterpillars. By then it was too late. So, I said nothing. I fed my family caterpillars 😭