“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
You Might Also Like
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
I’m going to buy velcro strips for my sneakers.
I mean, why knot?
#SneakersDay #RubbishJokes
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
My granddaughter told me that her boss wanted her to sign up for a 401k but she told him that there was no way she could run that far.
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
When I dance people say it reminds them of a wild hog chasing it’s tail inside a jar of pickles.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
[first date]
him: I’m a cat person.
me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand
My child just threatened to never watch tv again and I can’t decide if he’s really bad or really good at threats.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
*gets stabbed at one of my fishing spots*
911 operator: i need your exact location
Me: nevermind
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.
5-year-old daughter: Barbie is mad at Ken.
*pushes their faces together*
Me: Did they kiss and make up?
5: No. She headbutted him.
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
I’m totally onboard with the public outrage. I’ll be watching the Olympic women’s beach volleyball solely to point out hidden satanic messages.
Normalise following up to an ignored email with “helllooooooo?”
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Hubby’s head seems like it’s almost twice the size of mine.
We are never having children.
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Perfect
