“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
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bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Forget about my body count. The list of women who *haven’t* slept with me is really impressive
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
“Mounting debt” sounds way sexier than it is.
me: we’re going to go look at this house, but we are not buying it
5: maybe it can just be an extra house in case our house breaks
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
I can’t come into work today *cough* I’m really sick.
“Do I hear Mario Kart in the background?”
*hangs up*
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
Life hack:
Do all the dishes after your kids go to bed so you can have clean silverware for the first 47 minutes of the next day.
*Friend sees my knuckle tats*
F: ‘MMA4LYFE,’ really?
*I put my fists by my English prof’s ‘OXFORDCO’ knuckle tats*
*we start break dancing*
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
My husband asked for a back scratcher for Father’s Day so apparently my days are numbered
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
Me, day twenty of law school:
Your diligence, the prosecution rests.
Judge: Counselor, for the third time…you are the defense.
Me: Shit! Can I go again?
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.