Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
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my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT-worms on Twitter
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
The human body is 90% water so we are basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
☺️
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
Welcome
If tennis rules were chasing the ball and bringing it to your opponent without letting him have it, my dog would be the best in the world.
succession but with mickey mouse and friends
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
For a moment I thought it was Saturday, but then I realized it’s actually Sunday. The good news is now I have a story to tell at parties
Me: “I’m still tired from all the crossfit this morning.”
My co-worker: “It’s pronounced ‘croissant’ and you ate 4 of them.”
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
One minute without you feels like 60 seconds.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh