The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
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If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I got catfished by someone claiming to be Mark Twain.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Was gonna go to the gym but then I checked Twitter. In 2009
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
I just donated all my pants with buttons because I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[laying on the office couch]
Therapist: “Tell me about your childhood.”
Me: “Ok, but when does the foot massage begin?”
hate seeing people i know in public. go to a different public 😫
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
I will walk one state over to avoid parallel parking.
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.
Dr “Do you want the good news or the bad news?”
Patient “Good”
Dr “You have 6 months to live”
P “What’s the bad news!?”
Dr “…in dog years”
To kill a French vampire you need to drive a baguette through its heart. Sounds easy but the process is painstaking.
Pizza Hut: Hello
Me: I’d like a hot dog bites pizzas
PH: Pick up or delivery?
Me: Based on that order, you think I get off the couch?
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
It’s my 23rd wedding anniversary today and my husband decided to share a picture of us where I’m standing at Cape Spear at 5am, swollen faced, no make up, not even smiling. He, however, looks great and I’m glad for him because the last anniversary post should be the best.
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.