Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Me: Who ate all the cookies?
5-year-old: Ninjas.
Me: I didn’t see them.
5-year-old: No one ever does.
Checkmate.
My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
My dogs would be happier if I spent more time walking them and less time folding their ears inside out.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
[2.13am]
me: when cows die do they become cow ghosts? imagine being haunted by a cow ghost.
him: *deletes my number*
bugs bunny: i’m asking lola to marry me, i need a ring
jeweler: how many karats
bugs bunny: however many it takes, my good man, i just love her soo much
Dude just wanted a popsicle…
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
Texting while driving is incredibly stupid and dangerous. You’re practically begging for typos.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
eating my hot dog hamburger style
“Thou shall keep swimming” -Nemonians 7:69
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me