Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home

“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”

Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue

Can you guys make me famous? I’m tired of being a meaningful contributor to society.

[at restaurant]

Table for two please.

“Do you have reservations?”

Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.

oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow

Coworker: The thing that sucks about vacation is dreading going back to work

Me: Oh I don’t need vacation to feel that way

8: I wish you could homeschool me

Me: Aww, how sweet, you’d really want me to be your teach-

8: That way like instead of doing work, I could just play baseball in the backyard and you could clean and stuff.

Me: Ah look, the bus.

-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)

i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed

RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?

nfts were less about the money and more about the friends you scammed along the way.

why is it always “you’re hot” and not “i could cook an egg on you”?

You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?

Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

a lot of ppl don’t kno that the 50 stars on the american flag represent how many stars there are in the sky

Anarchy

I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team

Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.

why doesn’t every store have a lost spouse aisle??

live, laugh, laundry.

2 year old runs naked down the street.

“Awwwwwwwwwwwwww.”

I run naked down the street.

“AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!”

You tell me to get off my high horse? Why dont you tell the damn horse to stop getting high all the time.. His drug problem isn’t my problem

Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.

Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions

I hate people who say ‘age is just a number’… Age is clearly a word.