Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
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Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
Pretty sure I know what my wife’s getting me for my birthday cause when I guessed, “A 3-way?” she got all angry like I ruined the surprise.
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
[Job Interview]
Boss: What is your best trait?
Me: Procrastination.
B: How is that a positive?
M: I’ll give you my reasons. Later.
*me in first month of med school working with a cardiologist*
doc: ok let’s go see this patient, remember they are recovering from the cabbage last week
me: the what
doc: the cabbage
me: i mean ya i guess cabbage can make me gassy too but a week seems a bit excessive??
doc:
i then learned that the doctor was referring not to a leafy green vegetable but rather a coronary artery bypass graft, or CABG (pronounced “cabbage)
the doc howled with laughter lmaooo
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
Without background music, it’s really hard to know which emotions I’m supposed to be faking.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
me: hey, cute dog, what’s his name
guy w/ dog: Robert
me: Robert
guy: yeah
me: [grabs him by shirt] wtf is wrong with you
It’s like my racist grandpa used to say: “Good morning.”
That unrepentant bigot had many flaws, but cordial salutations wasn’t one of them.
Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
If you ever get attacked by a shark, just be a good sport about it and let it eat you. Hey, look on the bright side: It’s a rare occurrence, so you’re special.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
MY 6YO SON: We’re on Earth, where outer space can’t find us. It wants to kill us, so we hide out here.
ME: [terrified] Eat your cereal, kiddo
Hi, I’d like to order a baby
“Excuse me?”
It says here you deliver babies?
“Sir this is a hospital”
[vampire quickly hangs up phone]
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
My kids prefer apples without peel, sandwiches without crust, cherries without pits, and fathers without spare time.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
