Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
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Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
Old Spice 14-in-1 body wash, shampoo, conditioner, face wash, moisturizer, toothpaste, super glue, mouth wash, shaving cream, caulk, aftershave, lube, energy drink, cream cheese
No one wants to feel like an obligation. Either commit to them or leave.
“You handled that with such grace” are words that have never been spoken to me.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
me whenever anyone asks about my job: yeah i absolutely love hospitality! every day you get the chance to make someone’s day and it’s incredibly rewarding 🙂
me 0.5 seconds into a shift: they should invent a slur for customers
I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.
20 seconds later:
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
My family lived on such a tight budget growing up that whenever there was a light at the end of the tunnel, my dad would turn it off.
i walked into a parisian bakery and said “bonjour. deux croissants s’il vous plaît” in absolutely, impeccably perfect french and the lady behind the counter still hit me with that “okay and what else”
*T-Rex stubs his toe*
OUCH I’M SO MAD. JUST… MAD. I’M…“Angry? Agitated? Irritated? Anno-”
SHUT UP THESAURUS NO ONE ASKED YOU.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
The one night I drag the lawn chair into the yard, I see a neighbor I haven’t seen in 3 years and she has a shovel. Is this how it all ends?
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Everyone shut up, my 1st grader is telling me a 30-minute long story about how Laberham Lincoln got shot.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
Me: “In this day and age, I can summon almost any information I want in the blink of an eye. I’m one click away from all the answers I could ever need. There is no knowledge beyond my grasp.”
Also me: “I have no idea what day it is.”
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Pizza shop said they loved unusual requests so I asked if they could find my dad.
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”