Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”

– gas station nachos

What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.

So Ravenclaw.

“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”

-My 5yo writing himself out of the will

pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats

According to my bank account, I’m Rich!

Rich Anderson, the name of the man whose identity I stole.

Guy just got on my flight wearing a t-shirt that reads “Spread cheeks, not hate” and it took me at least a minute to realize the shirt is referring to smiling.

What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?

Carlos.

*pronounces carrot like tarot*

Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.

Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.

A new hipster coffee shop in my hood doesn’t have wifi b/c it wants to encourage talking…presumably about the failure of this coffee shop.

ugh fine

…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman

I’m sick of getting woken up at 6am by the bin men. I just want a nice sleep but they always insist that I get out of the bin before they collect it.

Actually it’s pronounced “jaslight” – you’ve been saying it wrong the whole time

I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.

She’s bardcore.

My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.

[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round you

Her(flirting): Oh, stop

Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom

My doctor says I’ve got to give up poorly thought out fruit-based jokes.
I was peachless when he told me.

My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.

He didn’t actually want anything.

I know! Incredible!

Oh and then I fainted.

Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.

Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?

Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.

My 4 YO pointed out that we put socks on during the day and take them off at night and that means our feet are nocturnal

Me: Hey, wanna do nothing for Valentine’s this year?
Him: Why break tradition?

50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.

😂💯

While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.