Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday

Wife: aw that’s sweet

Jesus: wow

Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.

It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin

It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.

The Joker was right

“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.

Last night I read that it takes people an average of 7 minutes to fall asleep. And then I laid awake the entire night thinking about that.

At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I’ll never know.

mortgage broker: You’ll need proof of stable income.
me: no problem
broker: Where are you currently employed?
me: Spirit Halloween

A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.

Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.

my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?

“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.

it’s cool when a dessert has a hint of something, like i’m biting into a tart and suddenly it goes “your wife’s death was not an accident”

My 4 year-old now hides from me in the bathroom so l can’t stop him from chewing his nails.

This really upsets me because that was my hiding spot.

Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.

“Do what your gut says”

– well, right now , its Telling me i need to stop eating Pizza

Just say no

Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.

No one on Facebook can believe their kid is turning ANY age

Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?

Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.

“you’re your mother” — full name of cellist yo yo ma

Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?

Me: The company moved.

I: Where?

M: They didn’t tell me.

*putting 4 to bed*

Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?

4: no

Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow

4: no, I won’t do that

Me:

4:

Me: ok, good talk

4: no

Push me aside, but I will come back. Hide me, but I will always emerge.
I AM POWER.
I AM RESILIENCE.
I AM A BRA STRAP.

My Twitter account would benefit from a breathalyzer-activated password.

I’d be like “vote for me and i’ll remove all the calories from cheese”…. *mic drop*

My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”