Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
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Pretty rude of Instagram to put a bunch of ads for shapewear in my feed dominated by food porn… I mean, they’re not wrong, but it’s still rude
these two trucks have the same bed length
$500,000 to have my head cryogenically preserved or $1.59 for a Slurpee to give me a brain freeze?
My husband bought me a holiday throw pillow after complaining that we have too many throw pillows. He said “Holiday pillows don’t count because they’re temporary.”
I don’t think he understands the floodgate he just opened.
WAITER: so did you enjoy your meal this evening?
GF: I DID, until some IDIOT ruined it with his food puns
ME: I cannoli assume she means you
Happy for shogun. The show that dared to ask questions like “what if we have good lighting?” and “what if you can see what’s happening? Even at night???”
I just got an email saying ‘At Google earth we can read maps backwards!’
I thought, “That’s just spam.”
Her: You need to multitask better
Me: I’m learning to kill 2 birds with 1 stone
Her: That’s goo-
Me [surrounded by dead birds]: And I refuse to work on anything else
Wife: We need to do something with the kids
Me: I’m so glad you brought this up. Foster care is–
Wife: No, I meant an activity this afternoon
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
For someone so concerned with marriage licenses, God sure was focused on dinosaurs for 180 million years.
Business owners’ worst nightmare would be if sign twirlers unionized. Those people excel at holding signs. Their picket lines would be spectacular.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
[Obama giving Trump the White House tour]
O: and here’s the toaster, it tends to stick so don’t be afraid to jam a fork in to get it workin
I hate to brag, but I just had some sizzling hot, steamy action in the shower.
(Tried to clear the drain with baking soda, vinegar and boiling water)
this was pretty cool, thanks @funTweeters. means a lot!
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
my cat smells like cigarettes again & i’m sick of his excuses
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
me: Go back!
uber driver: Did I miss the turn?
me [already in the front seat trying to find the station that was playing Taylor Swift]
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
Non-believers of Earth being a sphere presumably flatly deny all the evidence.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Parents: If everyone jumped off a bridge, would you do it as well?
Me: (imagining a scenario where everyone is jumping off of a bridge): probably. What if it’s on fire?
Parents: go to your room.