“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
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Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
When you’re at someone’s house? Normal people: “What a lovely house!” Me: “What’s your wifi password?”
I mostly do what I want, but sometimes the US court system has an opinion.
The $40 delivery fee for my Ben and Jerry’s is steep, but I admit I picked the Lamborghini to impress my neighbors.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
so APPARENTLY if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but if u donate 9 kidneys people get very upset
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
are those elderberries?
[camera pans over to reveal a bunch of berries struggling to use the internet]
Coaxing one piece of costume jewelry at a time off my toddler as she sighs and weeps like a disgraced aristocrat pawning her jewels to save the family estate
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.
2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.
ME: How was your first day?
MY CLONE: A lot of people dislike you
Candy corn is the rare candy that’s worse than than the vegetable it’s based on.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Goodnight room
Goodnight moon
Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
