“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
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PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there
December birthdays be like…
If politicians can text my cell phone asking for money I should be able to text them directly with policy suggestions.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I make eating corn on the cob fun for everybody at the bbq by eating it in rows typewriter style and saying ‘ding’ loudly at the end of each row.
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
[job interview]
Boss: What’s this 3 year gap in your résumé?
Me: I believe the explanation is clear.
B: It just says “ninja-ing.” I don’t underst—
*I have disappeared*
B: Oh man. *looking around* You’re hired.
[From ceiling]
M: I accept.
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
This is the huge spider that I killed inside my shirt by slapping my side while driving my kid to school. So, yea, I’d call it a win win.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Cop: Tell me again why there’s a guy in your trunk.
Me: I told him he would look good in it.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
ME: Whatcha doin?
WIFE: Watchin Dune.
ME: I asked you first, Sharon.
Just tried a “sorry this is my first day” to a customer’s question and he was like I saw you here two weeks ago!
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
You burn more calories chasing after your cat than you get from eating it. It’s the celery of pets.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.