“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
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[firing squad]
Captain: Any last words?
Prisoner: Why, yes. I’d like to speak with you for a moment about gun control.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
Dear Diary: Day 1 of being a gang member. Wore a bandana today, but took it off after a woman shouted “you go girl!” from across the street.
I can’t believe that somebody abandoned this perfectly good clothes rack.
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
Blew out my flip flop…
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbookinterviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?me:
that’s not what i said
[first date]
HER: I just love a man who’s not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
“Platitude” is short for “platypus attitude”.
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
No thanks, 28 yr old hitting on me at the bar… With our age difference, I wouldn’t be a cougar… more like a saber-toothed tiger.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth