“Don’t turn on the news”
Me as a therapist
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I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
The wife says our marriage is boring so I replaced the air freshner in the bathroom with an air horn
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
Him: SHE SAID YES!!
Me, handing him fries: you really don’t need to scream that for every customer who supersizes their order, Jeffrey.
going to work so embarrassing, letting everybody know you need money
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
Him: Why do they call this five alarm chili anyway?
Her: You’ll find out tomorrow.
[next morning]
Him in the bathroom *screams*
Her yelling: That’s one!
Him *screams*
Her: That’s two!
Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
My kid hissed at me when I woke him up for school today
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
“So how was your day today at work?”
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you.” 🤦♂️😳🤯😂
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
No Linda, I CAN’T believe how early it’s getting dark. After 4 billion years of this happening I was sure this would be the year it didn’t.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
You know when motorcyclists give a little wave to each other, I do that when I see someone else eating in their car.
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
People who would say “I can’t believe it’s not butter” are the same people who support all those Nigerian princes.
…and when you saw 3 sets of footprints in the sand, that’s when it took the entire Holy Trinity to carry you after all those piña coladas.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!