Don’t underestimate me. I’ve got that covered.
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I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
stand with me against insufficient seating
[first day in prison]
me: I was told to join the meanest, most violent group in here so I was wondering if you guys had a spot open
guard: what
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
[me on Ellen}
Ellen: so i heard you like to tell people directions
Me: that’s right Ellen
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
I find so much of my wife’s hair in the shower, I stashed some silver bullets in the nightstand. Just in case.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a panda suit*
QUICK HIDE THESE NO TIME TO EXPLAIN
*throws a litter of panda cubs at me*
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?
A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
I used to be the coolest kid in the 90s with a Windows 3.1 desktop. Now I have people on the train telling me that my phone’s flashlight is on
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
TACOS DRINK A LOT BUT
Friend: I have bad knees.
Me: What did they do? Was it crimes?!
Better to have loved & lost than to have never loved at all; but if going spelunking was your idea, you should at least *try* to find her.
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
“Don’t you have this book anywhere?”
“Not here, no.”
“Is it in the back?”
“I’m afraid not.”
“Is it in the basement?”
“No.”
“Aren’t you going to go down and check?”
“Well, that would take a while.”
“How long would it take?”
“I mean first we’d have to install a basement.”
we’re dead?
At my funeral play the Super Mario original theme until my casket is lowered in the ground then play the underground music
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
me: it’s recommended that to relieve stress you leave your desk and take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days