don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
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I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
me: shoot for the moon
astronaut: houston please I need actual coordinates
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Me: Is that a web tattoo on your elbow because you like Spider-Man?
Them: Naw, I killed 5 people
Me: so you don’t like Spider-Man?
If Hugh Hefner ran a company wearing pajamas so can you.
some Old Testament wisdom
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I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
PSA: Calories don’t count today because February 29 doesn’t really exist.
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
If you’re head of the CIA and can’t hide an extramarital affair it means it can’t
be done. Case closed, fellas.
You know, if you keep a pie in each hand, you can’t accidentally touch your face.
Whats the point of calling it “secret Santa”? Everyone knows that the person who gave you the gift is Santa.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
Engagement photo shoots are so funny as a concept. Like girl, we believed you
When I was 35, I put my finger in a small alligator’s mouth to see if it would hurt. Did it hurt? Yes. Do I regret it? No. I go into a lot of things and I KNOW I will get hurt, but I’m left with something money can’t buy. A pretty cool scar.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.