don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
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*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
The worst is when you’re on a cruise ship that turns into an Autobot to fight a sea monster and you had a decent game of shuffleboard going
waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
[first time hearing bag pipes]
ME: What a pleasant experience.
[1 minute later]
ME: This can stop.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Wife: Is he called Batman because he flies at night?
Me: Kinda. But mainly a traumatic childhood bat thing
Wife: So Spiderman had a traumatic spider thing?
Me: No. Bitten by a radioactive spider
Wife: So is Antman childhood trauma or radioactive bite?
Me: No
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
How do I put this gently? You make me feel… unwet?
gingerbread man: hold on
[puts baking paper on the bed]
*kissing intensifies*
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Someone suggested a breakfast salad, and then I wondered why someone could be so mean.
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
My resume says, “GIMME A JOB,” I’ve had four recruiters reach out and tell me to stop watching career TikTok for advice.
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
WIFE: You promised you’d take the dog out.
ME: Okay, fine.
[later]
DOG: This is a really nice place.
ME: *looking up from menu* What are you gonna have?
Satan: welcome to hell, know why you’re here?
Me: I regularly quoted mov-
Satan: YOU REGULARLY QUOTED MOVIES YOU HADN’T SEEN, SOOO OBNOXIOUS
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.