Don’t use snow tires in the summer. They melt.
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#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
would’ve started saving money in kindergarten if I knew life was gone be like this
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
GREAT WHITE SHARK: *Jumps out of water & eats seal*
JUST OK WHITE SHARK: *Frantically waves flipper to try & get seaweed off but can’t*
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
[whispering to beached whale] Do you come here often?
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
Iron Man
Iron Man
Does whatever an iron can
Makes stuff hot
Makes stuff flat
Burns your hand
Burns the cat
Burns the house down . .
Shit!
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
drummer: “just add er on the end of your instrument”
guy who plays trumpet: “so im a trumpeter, ok cool”
guy who plays trombone: “oh no”
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Her: Have you sold anything since you became a writer?
Me *stares around my empty house* everything
Hospice was my favorite spice girl,
into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
Check your privilege
