Don’t use snow tires in the summer. They melt.
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ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
So Hamburger help me, God
[in bathroom stall]
Me: …
Guy: …most people wait their turn outside of the stall
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.
Every. Damn. Time.
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
Yes that is a knife in my pocket, and no I’m not happy to see you.
Herpes is trending, good job people
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Our mailman freaked out when he accidentally saw me naked.
So did all the other people at the post office.
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
“We’re taking it to another level.”
-escalators
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
Okey dokey.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
Ladies, other women should be our allies, not our enemies. Nobody understands the heart of a woman like another woman. You’re still pretty.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
[at train station]
Cashier: May I help you?
Me (thumbing through a wad of Monopoly money): Yeah, I’d like to buy this place
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair