Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

why does mommy cry when she cuts onions?
“she feels guilty cuz she stole them. see *lifts son onto lap* your mother likes to steal onions”

If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.

Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”

[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going

Me: *trying to hock a loogie*

Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.

David Attenborough, the confusing early years

I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.

Something we don’t talk about enough re: climate change is that it will eventually get so hot that the goth lifestyle will become unsustainable, which means humanity’s most precious resource- hot goth chicks- will be extinct by 2040

This election could drag on for days. Unless someone captures the Snitch, then it ends immediately.

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.

Every newscast:

“This horrible tragedy occurred in this part of the world. In other news, this irrelevant celebrity did this inane thing.

Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*

My 5-year-old told me to take the pizza out of the oven before it burns. I told her that I know what I’m doing and please don’t tell me what to do. I forgot about the pizza and ummm… I don’t think I’ll ever recover from this.

Homeschooling day 3

Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…

9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

If I was stuck on a desert island with only one record, I would want it to be the record for being able to swim the farthest.

website: select a security question

me: ok

website: make of first car

me: nah

website: mother’s maiden name

me: nope

website: the number of ducks you saw that one time in camp

me: bingo

Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.

[clown cleaning shower]

MRS CLOWN: Don’t forget to remove the hair from the drain.

[clown just keeps pulling long multi-coloured hair out]

why are you as a non alcoholic cocktail priced in the double digits

New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?

Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here

New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?

Me: I didn’t say things like that?

Just read a few inspirational tweets about courage and confidence and GUESS WHO IS GOING TO ROB A BANK TONIGHT?!!

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.

[music store]

me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar

him: sir, that’s a mandolin

peacock: how’d the date go?

me: not so well

peacock: you show her your tail?

me: no i-

peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit