don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
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DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
“I will love you forever.” She threatened, remembering how her aunt lived to be 107.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
MURDERER *panicking as he’s stabbing an acupuncturist* you’re just getting stronger
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Your skull is only a centimeter thick and other reassurances.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
Calm down, people on FB who ran the Detroit marathon. I’d be running a shit load too if I were in Detroit.
[commercial for pants]
*naked guy attempts to put phone in pocket, falls on floor, cracks screen*
There has to be a better way!
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
What if the weather talks about us?
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
Captain America: ok Avengers, we can defeat Ultron if we work as a team. Remember, no man is an island
Island Man: oh come on not this again