don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good

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Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….


Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?


Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.


Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.


[job interview]

“Name one of your strengths”

I didn’t stab anyone today

“That’s not-”

Yesterday wasn’t so good tho


Accidentally ran over my neighbor’s cat today & I was scared to tell him to his face so I left a note saying “curiosity was here”


Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.


If you don’t win at least 3 made up arguments in the shower, are you even clean?


I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.


Friend- “You’re drunk.”

Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”

Friend- “Stop.”

Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”