don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
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*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
“I was juggling five babies and all of a sudden I noticed I was only juggling three.”
“Have you checked the chandelier?”
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
A wok that cooks so fast you call it a run.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Mom: So, do you have someone special in your life?
Me: Define “someone”
Mom: You know, a boyfriend.
Me: Define “boyfriend”
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
What do the movies Titanic and the Sixth Sense have in common? I see dead people. Get it? Icy dead people?
Happy Dad Joke weekend
I’m at my most Disney Princess when I fight with my stepfamily before drunkenly losing my shoe at a party.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
I enjoy how fitbit tracks the calories I burn just by being alive. I like getting credit for that.
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
My one-woman show, “I Will Unstick These Freaking Grocery Carts If It Kills Me” is getting rave reviews from fellow shoppers.
I read that 83% of prison inmates are Christians…should I be concerned with my safety when I’m up in Heaven?
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”