Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
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I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
Me: Dyin’ hard or hardly dyin’?
Bruce Willis: How do you keep getting into my house?
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
when someone rings the doorbell
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
Me: You wrote a play?
Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.
Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
Looking for someone to come help pack 17’s boxes for college. Must be able to handle crying. Bring tissues. No weirdos, please. I’m weird enough.
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free
Stop talking trash about marine life!
Sharks are POWERFUL
Whales are GENTLE
Crabs are RESOURCEFUL
Jellyfish are PEACEFUL
Dolphins
Octopi are VERY SMART
I just saw a birdbath gravestone, what a great idea, visitors for life..or death I should say
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
#ICertainlyCouldntLiveWithout apparently an uneven fight…🤷♀️
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
You say kidnapping. I say surprise adoption.
Tomato, Tomahto
Get in the van.