Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
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*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
My mom’s Jewish and my dad’s Catholic so they decided to raise me batshit
Heard astrology described as “space racism” and that’s the only definition I’ll accept from now on.
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Bring a hedgehog into the library and frantically ask the clerks where they keep the reverse spell casting books.
Me *rings 911* help me I’m dying!
Oompa Loompa: oh I have a fun song I can sing
please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
My three favorite things are eating my family and not using commas.
That awkward moment when you make eye contact with a cute guy in the mall food court as you’re slurping up a 2-foot long noodle.
Sup?