Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

Damn it, my wife found the guy who’s been sneaking in at 11pm is the donut delivery guy. Guess I should stop pretending I’m having an affair with him.

[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute

If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.

People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.

Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.

Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!

a japanese vegetable pancake? in THIS okonomi???

Schrödinger’s Dumpster

The washing machine broke so I had to wash my undies in the river. As a bonus, 3 catfish floated to the top afterwards, so dinner is served!

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

[before date]

friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that

[date]

her: so tell me about y-

me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND

therapy: $500

tattoo: $500 but cooler

DOCTOR: im writing u a prescription
ME: [winking] nice thanks doc i wont tell anyone
DOCTOR: again, this is totally legal
ME: shh be cool

[at roller rink]

My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.

I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.

True story.

Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel tower

me: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before

Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you

my friends: we are having babies, also we just got engaged, also we’ve just bought a house

me: a man with a history of not texting me back has liked an Instagram story, do we think this means something

Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?

The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.

I took a Viagra just to see what would happen, I couldn’t sit down for four hours.

Narrator: Ursula should never be left unsupervised.

[text]

H: I’m at Lowes, how wide is the door frame?

M: I measured, it’s 35 and then 3 little lines after a big long line.

“sir can you describe the stingray that attacked you?”
yes it was like a weird pancake

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh

GENIE: You have three wishes.

ME: I wish I had a million dollars.

GENIE: Granted. You had a million dollars.